The struggle is real or is it?

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I don’t know about you but I am freaking out sometimes and only because my mind allows me to. I wake up in the same bed, with the same roof over my head, food is on the table and I am surrounded by amazing people.

So really nothing to complain, right?

According to United Nations 1.6 billion don’t even have a proper house and 844 million don’t have decent water to drink.

When I read these numbers I wonder what I am concerned about in my life?

Why can’t I always be happy?

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Dialog with me or myself

When I wonder what to write I write in wonders!

Songs are playing through my head,

is it ever quite up there?

So sit and do nothing, but why I ask if I can scrawl through instagram and watch motorbikes, tattoos and kitesurfing babes!

Do nothing, sit straight…wait I am not sitting straight you say?

It hurts.

It’s gotta be good when it hurts, right?

Continue reading “Dialog with me or myself”

I miss her

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It’s been two weeks since I broke up with you, but it’s been a lot longer since I haven’t held you in my arms. I am trying to forget you, but I know that the distractions are just temporary flashes of a reality that isn’t mine. There is beautiful women everywhere but I am out of the game… I don’t want to play this anymore.

My friend is here for a visit and I am showing him the pubs and bars and places to go to in the area. I used to love going out on a Friday night and chatting up girls and seeking for attention, but something has changed in me and I find it rather dull and sad to go out and hold a cold drink in my hands while we are surrounded by strangers smoking, yelling, laughing and then you are supposed to talk any sense. It just feels like a big false world in there and I had enough of it.

In a way I am very grateful for that because it really shows that I have moved on from a place I used to be addicted to, to a place in my heart that feels like I no longer want to be here. (the pub)

Lately I have been keeping myself so busy that I allowed no time to feel my breakup! I feel happy and I have amazing days here from organising my life with a new car and planning on doing markets, all of that I still do because I hope it can bring us back together. I am always thinking, if only I had a lot more money I would be free.

But would I be free?

Is this just my ego tricking me into believing there is a destination to this life?

There isn’t, its one biiiiiig journey. But then logic brain kicks in: ” actually if i had a lot more money I can go and see her for a while I can live in different parts of the world without having to work, I could see my family who I haven’t visited in too long now , I can go and see my grandma before she departs from this dream.”

So does it all just come down to money? Well not really, she broke up with me first and we had the chance to start something together in a new country. Was our love not strong enough? Is it just another addiction of not wanting to be alone?

This is head talk and it can drive me absolutely nuts…

How do I get out of it you ask?

Sometimes I don’t, sometimes I am so caught up in it that it seems like I have to make a final decision between life and death.

Then I kick my ego out of my mind when I see a glimpse of hope and then I try and sit with the discomfort that life throws you at times. I meditate or go kitesurfing. I see my neighbours baby or chat with my friends. I am good in general but I am also bad.

I miss her…

 

Caught up in addiction

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and I am not talking about drugs like heroin, I mean like the addictions to my phone or the internet, where I start with a good intention and then 5 minutes later , bam why am I watching puppies on youtube again? Or I decide to be kind to myself after a hard day of work and instead of reading a book or going to the gym (something I have been meaning to do far too long) and adding some new knowledge to my repertoire, I just end up in front of Netflix eating my favourite chocolate. Ahh yeah luckily I don’t put weight on otherwise I would be in big trouble… haha get it big!

Anyway what can I do about my addictions and there are so many. I guess the first step is to actually realise that I have addictions and what they are.

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