It’s been two weeks since I broke up with you, but it’s been a lot longer since I haven’t held you in my arms. I am trying to forget you, but I know that the distractions are just temporary flashes of a reality that isn’t mine. There is beautiful women everywhere but I am out of the game… I don’t want to play this anymore.
My friend is here for a visit and I am showing him the pubs and bars and places to go to in the area. I used to love going out on a Friday night and chatting up girls and seeking for attention, but something has changed in me and I find it rather dull and sad to go out and hold a cold drink in my hands while we are surrounded by strangers smoking, yelling, laughing and then you are supposed to talk any sense. It just feels like a big false world in there and I had enough of it.
In a way I am very grateful for that because it really shows that I have moved on from a place I used to be addicted to, to a place in my heart that feels like I no longer want to be here. (the pub)
Lately I have been keeping myself so busy that I allowed no time to feel my breakup! I feel happy and I have amazing days here from organising my life with a new car and planning on doing markets, all of that I still do because I hope it can bring us back together. I am always thinking, if only I had a lot more money I would be free.
But would I be free?
Is this just my ego tricking me into believing there is a destination to this life?
There isn’t, its one biiiiiig journey. But then logic brain kicks in: ” actually if i had a lot more money I can go and see her for a while I can live in different parts of the world without having to work, I could see my family who I haven’t visited in too long now , I can go and see my grandma before she departs from this dream.”
So does it all just come down to money? Well not really, she broke up with me first and we had the chance to start something together in a new country. Was our love not strong enough? Is it just another addiction of not wanting to be alone?
This is head talk and it can drive me absolutely nuts…
How do I get out of it you ask?
Sometimes I don’t, sometimes I am so caught up in it that it seems like I have to make a final decision between life and death.
Then I kick my ego out of my mind when I see a glimpse of hope and then I try and sit with the discomfort that life throws you at times. I meditate or go kitesurfing. I see my neighbours baby or chat with my friends. I am good in general but I am also bad.
I miss her…