Dialog with me or myself

When I wonder what to write I write in wonders!

Songs are playing through my head,

is it ever quite up there?

So sit and do nothing, but why I ask if I can scrawl through instagram and watch motorbikes, tattoos and kitesurfing babes!

Do nothing, sit straight…wait I am not sitting straight you say?

It hurts.

It’s gotta be good when it hurts, right?

After suffering comes glory, or does it?

Sitting straight still hurts, uh I am using muscles that I haven’t used in a while.

Another song, lalalala.

And how about the fourth coffee today? Do I need it?

Hang on, I just need to eat and sleep and poop and well you know the rest…

I am addicted you say.

I don’t smoke, cigarettes that is, 4 years or even more now smoke free. I lost count!

I drink a beer here and there but not an alcoholic.

So what am I addicted to?

My thoughts, hmmm yeah they never seem to stop.

I meditate and try really hard not to think and then I am thinking about not thinking and that I shouldn’t think about thinking while I am not thinking. Do you follow????

Ah maybe I am to hard on myself? You heard of that?

Do something, or else your day is a wasted day. But I don’t feel like doing anything today! Is that ok?

Oh but it’s sunny outside, so the old friend of fear comes back, uh I might miss out on the neighbours dog pissing on our fence or worse leaving a big turd in front of the gate.

Hmm maybe I should just fall sick, then I have a good excuse not to do anything and watch netflix in bed all day even though it’s sunny out there. Ha tricked you…

Or did I just trick myself, I don’t remember anymore.

Then I find myself in a position that isn’t where I want to be, so I try to get well again. I am good at getting well again and when I go back to work and find myself in the daily grind of getting up early and spending eight hours of the day doing something which I wouldn’t do if money wasn’t an issue and sometimes I even spend time with people that I don’t like. Just for money! Ding dong, anybody home?

So I put a song in my head and try to accept where I am. I am fortunate enough to have a comfortable house and good food every day and people who I love but my mind still plays tricks with me.

So hear me or don’t, we are not alone.

We all struggle at some time in our life, some more than others. I will give you a hug when I see you.selfie-monkey-self-portrait-macaca-nigra-50582

I will let you cry in my arms and I will make you laugh to be free.

And that is why I write this here.

Ciao for now,

Hendrik

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One thought on “Dialog with me or myself”

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